“Hi Mom. I just wanted to let you know I’m okay. I don’t know if you watch the news but it looks like I inherited like a billion dollars in drug money or something. Can you find a lawyer? Just tell him I’m in danger of getting murdered or going to jail for having a bunch of heroin warehouses and mafia money that I didn’t even ask for, so whatever he can do to fix that would be great—SHUT UP! Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you, Arthur’s robot toilet is hassling me. Oh also my bodyguard shot a guy last night, hope that’s okay. He had super powers, they all do. I don’t know what’s up with that. Anyway, call me.”Well, that should set her mind at ease.”
―
Jason Pargin,
Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits
“Sometimes when life’s Warning Light won’t stop flashing, the best thing you can do is just put some electrician’s tape over it.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“I don’t want you shooting anybody today,” said Amy, “even if solving a complicated problem by shooting it is just about the most American thing I can imagine. We have to get the guy to stay willingly.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Have you ever found yourself obsessively watching a TV show you don’t actually enjoy? That probably means you’re just watching your parasite’s favorite show.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Humans act like assholes when they’re scared. Anybody who’s trying to keep you scared all the time just wants to breed more assholes into the world. Don’t let them do it.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“It was a skill one could acquire with practice, the way mechanics can tell what repairs your car needs just by looking at how expensive your shoes are.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Society is doomed for one very simple reason: it takes dozens of men working months with millions of dollars in material to build a building, but only one dumb-ass with a bomb to bring it down.” ― Jason Pargin, John Dies at the End
“I hope you like your ribs BARBECUED, bitch!” is what I’d think to say later but didn’t at the time.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“At the level of poverty where we exist—not starving but hopelessly locked out of the middle class—it feels like flying over an active volcano on the back of a winged creature that is friendly but also very drunk.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Their true wealth is invisible to them because it comes in the form of what they’re missing: that constant hum of anxiety that sucks the energy from the rest of us. If their refrigerator craps out, they can fix it. If they fall down the stairs, their insurance will cover the hospital bill. If the breadwinner loses his job, he’ll have his pick of landing spots. When I daydream about having money, it’s not about jewelry and Jacuzzis and Jet Skis. I dream about having that unseen cushion, that margin of error I can just take for granted.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“I don’t want you shooting anybody today,” said Amy, “even if solving a complicated problem by shooting it is just about the most American thing I can imagine.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“I’d previously assumed we’d done everything in our lives perfectly up to now.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“The one who survives longest gets to attend all their friends’ funerals, then they go out, too, confused and crapping their pants. This right here is mercy.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Don’t romanticize people’s flaws. That’s what’s wrong with our culture.” “No. What’s ruining the culture is worshipping people who pretend they don’t have flaws. We’re all broken. And you couldn’t pull this off because you didn’t have John.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“There are things people actually believe said Andre, and things they only pretend to believe because it's convenient. But over time it don't matter which is which, it all just blurs together.” ― Jason Pargin, Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick
“It tasted like a meal that was prepared sarcastically.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“We were just about to head to the lake to do that thing where we celebrate America’s birthday by terrifying all of its dogs,” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Dave? this is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. Meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the gatee."that was code. it meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important." Code, you know, in case the phone was ugged.” ― Jason Pargin, John Dies at the End
“When I daydream about having money, it’s not about jewelry and Jacuzzis and Jet Skis. I dream about having that unseen cushion, that margin of error I can just take for granted.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Sometimes when life’s Warning Light won’t stop flashing, the best thing you can do is just put some electrician’s tape over it.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“I don’t want you shooting anybody today,” said Amy, “even if solving a complicated problem by shooting it is just about the most American thing I can imagine. We have to get the guy to stay willingly.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Have you ever found yourself obsessively watching a TV show you don’t actually enjoy? That probably means you’re just watching your parasite’s favorite show.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Humans act like assholes when they’re scared. Anybody who’s trying to keep you scared all the time just wants to breed more assholes into the world. Don’t let them do it.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“It was a skill one could acquire with practice, the way mechanics can tell what repairs your car needs just by looking at how expensive your shoes are.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Society is doomed for one very simple reason: it takes dozens of men working months with millions of dollars in material to build a building, but only one dumb-ass with a bomb to bring it down.” ― Jason Pargin, John Dies at the End
“I hope you like your ribs BARBECUED, bitch!” is what I’d think to say later but didn’t at the time.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“At the level of poverty where we exist—not starving but hopelessly locked out of the middle class—it feels like flying over an active volcano on the back of a winged creature that is friendly but also very drunk.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Their true wealth is invisible to them because it comes in the form of what they’re missing: that constant hum of anxiety that sucks the energy from the rest of us. If their refrigerator craps out, they can fix it. If they fall down the stairs, their insurance will cover the hospital bill. If the breadwinner loses his job, he’ll have his pick of landing spots. When I daydream about having money, it’s not about jewelry and Jacuzzis and Jet Skis. I dream about having that unseen cushion, that margin of error I can just take for granted.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“I don’t want you shooting anybody today,” said Amy, “even if solving a complicated problem by shooting it is just about the most American thing I can imagine.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“I’d previously assumed we’d done everything in our lives perfectly up to now.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“The one who survives longest gets to attend all their friends’ funerals, then they go out, too, confused and crapping their pants. This right here is mercy.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Don’t romanticize people’s flaws. That’s what’s wrong with our culture.” “No. What’s ruining the culture is worshipping people who pretend they don’t have flaws. We’re all broken. And you couldn’t pull this off because you didn’t have John.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“There are things people actually believe said Andre, and things they only pretend to believe because it's convenient. But over time it don't matter which is which, it all just blurs together.” ― Jason Pargin, Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick
“It tasted like a meal that was prepared sarcastically.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“We were just about to head to the lake to do that thing where we celebrate America’s birthday by terrifying all of its dogs,” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
“Dave? this is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. Meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the gatee."that was code. it meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important." Code, you know, in case the phone was ugged.” ― Jason Pargin, John Dies at the End
“When I daydream about having money, it’s not about jewelry and Jacuzzis and Jet Skis. I dream about having that unseen cushion, that margin of error I can just take for granted.” ― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe
