Which is the face that I see- Half of you, the other half of me Mixing up in psychedelic memory, I await those drumbeats That bring me back to consciousness And this trance of memory fades Before unearthing my last remains But I haven't a word for you Now that you are leaving I seem to have misplaced your number, Your address, those social media profiles Don't exist now, So I fall back on memory- That thing that deceives us all. You once probably wrote me a song It began with "hey! Honey" And ended with the death of Juliet: Juliet, who was your ex and died In an airplane crash Had implanted in me memories Of her And this child who makes my stomach feel heavy And dopes me into sleep, Crying, awaits me I can't hear its voice, Please silence! It is maddening... There's noise. You tell me there's no one here And I stare blankly at your broken spectacles Who did miss- you or I Or that picture of you After you hung yourself to death And wrote in your letter "I am sorry, I can't take you." No more, no more. Yes, baby I do understand- I am that crazy woman Who spits fire, breathes venom And I asked you to keep away But you touched my heart And began to kiss it : Pure poison! Lethal poison. I couldn't melt- The woman in me stands like a reed In the aftermath of yellow suns, Unflinching, hollow, unmoving, My stubborn restraint that sees nothing, Hears nothing, says nothing, Feels everything. This child is a burden, This life is a burden But I don't have you now to share it with You had a morning flight you told me Before you disappeared to another town And made a song out of all my lover's names Names that you hated: "Jack, Jimmy, bastard Nick Tom and Tim were such pricks Julia used to..." And that song had no music. You hummed it all day, All night In the morning as you brought to the bed omelettes You said Julia can't walk , Julia don't talk And you hummed them As you kissed me, Fucked me "One fuck for Jill, One for Jack, One for Nick And one for his dad." I was starving, I was crazy When I bit your hand, you beat the shit out of me And took me to asylum And told them she's a cannibal, she's a bitch. But oh my love you wrote songs for me And painted me nude and hung it in the gallery For the neighbours to see- "My wife is a whore, A crazy fucking bore" And the neighbours moved away Our house was so silent the whole day And at nights kept shrieking. I am giving birth now- I do not know who impregnated me: Your friend, that dandy, The milkman, or Jim, Jill, Jack, Tim, Tom, I don't know who broke into the house But baby!/his voice was as sweet as yours And he hummed that same song And he stripped me bare And I couldn't say a thing. Baby! This child looks sweet- Born out of pain But you're dead, I put flowers to your grave, How did they smell? They said I could keep them fresh I could keep you fresh, Baby I couldn't bear to see you decaying So I kept you near the eggs, the breads Oh! My love are you hungry? I doze off now, I have forgotten it: The drumming beats Your songs, the memories. (Udita Garg)